Characters:

Narrator

Wendlin Chase - young inventor

Jerry - a spy, Wendlin's partner

Patrick Levine - their superior officer

Other technicians

SCENE ONE

Headquarters.

Narrator: Wendlin Chase was only 16.5 years old when he invented the world's first telepathic decoder. At the time, this technologically inclined youth gave little thought to the fame and fortune that would soon be his. No, my dear audience, no. His thoughts were on Irene Hankelson and how worried he was about asking her to the prom. "If only I knew what she would say," was the thought that had run through his own mind, and, well, the rest is history.

     Not only was he oblivious to impending fame and fortune, so accustomed was he to his own genius, he also had no way of knowing that, before he could display his invention at the national science fair, he would be swept up by top secret military operatives to become a spy for his country. This took him all over the world - Nepal, South Africa, Kentucky, Sweden, even, horror of horrors, Celebration, Florida. Then, one fateful day, he and his machine soon found themselves in Italy, and in a dead end - listening to the brain waves of Guido de'Cesal, a man whose mind broadcasted a never-ending stream of musicals by Andrew Lloyd Weber.

The sound system blares "Jesus Christ Superstar."

Wendlin: For Christ sake! Turn it off!

Jerry runs to a machine and turns a knob. The music is turned down but still audible.

Wendlin: Of all the songs to wake up to! I understand that "Music of the Night" would be playing while he sleeps - but this in the morning? Kinda creeps me out.

Jerry: I've been here too long. I'm going to know every word soon. I don't want to know every word! Are you sure there isn't anything you can do?

Wendlin: (violently sticking gum in his mouth while fiddling with dials) Like what?

Narrator: He was frustrated.

Wendlin: I'm frustrated.

Narrator: Had Wendlin Chase not been so fascinated by the man's ingenious defenses against his newest line of telepathic decoders, he would have also been affronted. Instead, he simply felt the urge to jump up and down while screaming, "it's not fair."

Wendlin: (defensively to the audience) I didn't.

Narrator: He didn't.

(Technician walks by whistling)

Wendlin: It's amazing - what he's done. (can't stand his gum anymore and spits it out, only to stuff more in - this is a nervous habit)

     I can't figure it. He hears this music in his head all day - all fucking day. Yet, I've watched him - he talks to people, he goes to work. The musicals aren't taking up his entire mind...I'm just not on the right frequency.

Jerry: You'll figure it out.

Wendlin: Yeah, that's what I told myself nine models ago. (sighs) I just don't know.

"Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" crescendos in the background.

Wendlin: You know, I'd never paid any attention to theatre before this. It always seemed so...irrelevant.

Jerry: It is. Theatre people are nuts. Frickin weirdoes, the lot of them. And of course they are, 'cause look at the kind of things they do - dress up as cats and dance around. No sane person would do that.

Wendlin: Right, never happen. And theatre's bad even before the show starts - sitting in those tiny seats with no leg room, packed in with lord knows who else. Then you sit in the dark for how ever many hours as people try to recreate life. It's insanity.

Jerry: And then there's the clapping.

Wendlin: Yikes! The bowing and the clapping followed by more bowing and more clapping. Like we don't have anything better to do than coddle actors with low self-esteems. But, hey, look at us now, sitting here, decoding the thoughts of a guy who THINKS musical theatre. Kinda crazy, huh?

Jerry: Maybe we should just start trailing him again.

Wendlin: No. I'll figure something out. I'll make it work.

Jerry: (listening to the music for awhile) Please hurry, I can't take it for much longer.

Wendlin: Hang on, man, hang on. We'll survive this.

SCENE TWO

Jerry is singing and dancing to "Jellicle Cats", which is cranked and blaring. Wendlin, getting out more gum, comes in, shakes his head in dismay, and turns it down.

Wendlin: You've got to be kidding.

Jerry: Jellicles can and Jellicles do.

Wendlin: Okay, that's enough for you.

Jerry: No, come on! I'm - I'm fine, I just want a little more, okay?

Wendlin: Touch that knob and I'll wound you.

(they struggle)

Narrator: Things were not going well for young Wendlin Chase. It had been a week since his supervising officer had called. They were disappointed in his lack of progress - they were sending an officer to evaluate his work. (gesture to Wendlin and Jerry who are pulling each other's hair. Jerry is still reciting lyrics from the song)

     Wendlin didn't know, but Sergeant Patrick Levine was heading to Italy with stern words for the young lad.

Wendlin: Now stay there! (He has just won the tussle)

Jerry: Hiss.

Wendlin: Christ.

     Here, read some user manuals - just...be boring again. Please? Is there a geek in their anywhere? Fine. Sing. See what I care.

Jerry leaves the room as Patrick Levine enters.

Narrator: Patrick Levine did not like theatre. He did not understand the difficulty Wendlin was having. He was frustrated.

Levine: I'm frustrated. We pay you the salary of a technical genius, and yet you can't provide us with simple information inside one insignificant man's head. Well, what are we paying you for, son? When are you going to figure this out?

Wendlin: I've been trying. This man - his brain waves function on different levels of psychosis than most people - he has entire levels of neural activity that not only have nothing to do with each other, but are completely impenetrable. I've tried every telepathic frequency I can think of and all I can find is Weber, Weber, Weber. And, sir, it seems benign enough at first, but believe me when I say it's dangerous material, sir. It has an effect on the weak minded. I've already lost several technicians. I think Jerry's cracked. I'm not sure I'm entirely unaffected. I need more gum.

Levine: Wait a moment. What is this music?

Wendlin: WEBER, sir! Andrew Lloyd. Composer.

Levine: It's...I've never heard anything like it...It makes me feel...

Wendlin: No! No, no, no, you can't do this. Fight it - fight it, sir! You're stronger than this thing!  

SCENE THREE

Jerry and Levine are dancing to "Masquerade". Wendlin is amidst a pile of machine pieces, connecting wires and fitting pieces together.

Wendlin: Weber's a little bit incredible, I have to admit. And it's not his skill - it's how he can manage to keep songs going and going...and going...and never ACTUALLY say a single important thing. It's mindless repetition with either bad rhymes or none at all - and yet...(shakes his head to clear it)

     And why those stories? What is it about a psychopathic stalker that has entranced so much of the world? And what kind of silly girl is this Christine anyway, taking singing lessons from a masked man she met in her mirror? Guy calls himself an angel and then tries to jump her bones and she's not the least bit upset? Something's inherently wrong here! And this crazy opera company spends thousands to produce crappy operas given to them by a lunatic. He insists that they cast an inexperienced chorus girl, and obviously they turn that down, yet they still produce his play. Idiots. Frickin Prima Donna indeed.

     Someday, I'm gonna own a theatre and I'm gonna kidnap a small, deformed child that just happens to be a musical genius, and then we'll see how these things really work.

     And, hey, I don't think there's an alley anywhere in the world where a bunch of cats could make that much noise and not get shot. If I heard cats singing and dancing I'd do something. (Mimes gun) Haha, take that Rumpleteaser! Take that Magical Mr. Mistoffolees. What's that Rum Tum Tugger? You think you're tough? You want a piece of me? Bang, bang. Pshh! (Realizes how ridiculous he's being)

     Stupid Guido. I'll get inside your head. Then you'll be sorry for all the pain you've caused us. You can't hide behind musical theatre forever.

Behind him, Levine and Jerry and another technician pose as a large chorus number ends.

SCENE FOUR

Wendlin is alone humming "Any Dream Will Do" and tinkering with a new machine.

Narrator: It was a monumental day when Wendlin Chase came out with his duel-frequency telepathic decoder. At last, he would enter the innermost thoughts of Guido de'Cesal, the man he now considered to be his greatest nemesis. Finally, he would trample through his enemy's deepest and darkest secrets. Finally, he would complete the job he had come all the way to Italy to perform. Finally he would be free of Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Wendlin: You can stay that again.

Narrator: (re-striking a pose) Finally he would be free of Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Wendlin: (shaking his head) I'm surrounded by idiots.

     One more screw. Yes. Ah, my lovely, you're finished. And won't we be great together (speaking to it as though it were a small child) - won't we systematically break down all the neural defenses in the rotten brain of that bad man, Guido? Yes we will. Yes we will.

A technician enters and sets himself in front of the machine to run it.

Technician: Sir, are you ready?

Wendlin: Um, yes.

     (aside) You know, I'm nervous. I know it's going to work. I've done everything right. But...

     You should leave. I'd rather do this alone.

Technician: Yes sir. (exits)

Wendlin: I need some gum. Oh god. Why are you nervous? You know it'll work. And you know what it means - that you'll finally get a new assignment. You'll get out of Italy, away from these crazy people. And. No. More. Weber. You should be happy. Scratch that - you should be frickin ecstatic. So why aren't you?

He presses the button:

     Guido: The location of the hidden documents is Park Lane. 1579 Park Lane. There you will find incriminating photographs, blueprints, and the information regarding several Swiss bank accounts. The combination for the safe in the president's mansion is 59-62-01. His vault combination is left 5, right 32, left 9. (continues under...)

Narrator: Our hero was victorious. Who had ever doubted that Wendlin Chase would save the day? This brave young lad had no way of knowing that his perseverance in the face of great turmoil would win him a medal of honor. Or that he would soon be off to -

Wendlin: Shh...

Narrator: Um...

Wendlin slowly turns the machine off. In a daze he exits, machine in hand. The lights dim and a crash is heard.

SCENE FIVE

Light up on Wendlin, Levine, Jerry and the Narrator lip-syncing - "Phantom of the Opera" is blaring. They dance around headquarters, acting out in turn both characters. They're very into it.

The narrator notices the audience and approaches them.

Narrator: Sod off.

The narrator again joins the singing. End scene.